April 2, 1861; Memphis Daily Appeal (Memphis, TN),
Died, on the 4th of March, 1861, UNCLE SAM, in the 85th year of his age. In chronicling the demise of Uncle Sam, we do so with a mixed emotion of sorrow and joy. His death was anticipated for some years, having fallen a victim to an “irrepressible conflict” disease, which combated successfully and rendered ineffectual the expert skill of the most learned Sewardite and prominent physicians of the day, and after a long, protracted suffering, lingering in its progress with a slow, certain and unavoidable end, he departed this life on the day and year named above, leaving behind many to mourn this sad bereavement and others experiencing gratification who desired the agonizing and excruciating pains he endured to cease and be no more. As he lived, he died, beloved and respected by all nations. We shall, perhaps, never look upon his like again. As a model for example, no copy is now extant and none ordered. His life was frought with many eventful scenes, and the multitudinous vicissitudes through which he struggled and rendered glorious, characterized his indomitable will, honesty and bravery. Born on the 4th of July, 1776, the last century was signalized by his unprecedented advent, and as the legitimate offspring of the independence of America, his birth was hailed by freedom as a wonderful epoch in the history of the world. His terrestrial career advancing, it became evidently important that a generalisimo was required, and should be employed to superintend and guard his household affairs. George, of revolutionary fame, having established a good character, and being strongly recommended by letters of an innumerable number of brave hearts, was the chosen one. Tradition says he made an excellent and very trustworthy functionary, gained the admiration and confidence of his employer and the respect of all of his obedient servants. Then when George’s term expired, John, Tom, James, Quincy, James the second, Andrew, Martin, William, Henry, John the Second, James the third, Zachariah, Millard and Frank, were employed successively in rotation, and are said to have given partial satisfaction in ruling moderately well over the servants, and conducting the affairs of the White House with a discretion remarkable and peculiar in the times and circumstances. During the latter part of these Administrations however, Uncle Sam, laboring under the debilitating influences of the “irrepressible” contagion prevalent, was confined to his department, private, and being unable, therefore, to give an undivided attention to the things of his Government, advantages were taken, powers usurped, and all matters appertaining to nationality administered by reckless employees, with a keen, discriminating eye toward personal aggrandizement. At this juncture James, surnamed Buchanan, was called in to preside. Powers extraordinary and plenipotentiary were extended to him, and being an old horse in the harness, he very soon wrought the same privileges enjoyed by his immediate predecessors, into advantages which led him and subordinates to adopt the grab game, and before his term transpired, managed to oust from the treasury all of its contents, and created a debt inconsistent with legal expenditure, precedent and expectation, consisting of nearly one hundred millions to be liquidated by Uncle Sam’s dilapidated, disintegrated and moneyless federalism. It is conjectured, and believed by some who have not thought much upon the subject, and have had less opportunities whereby to form a proper opinion, that this dissolute, corrupt and jealous disposition made manifest in the administration of governmental affairs was the immediate cause of Uncle Sam’s demise; but, as investigating committee of thirty-three, representing all parts of the public domain concerned, having been appointed, and detailed to examine into and ferret out the true circumstances surrounding this predicted event, and report the causes which tended to produce such an unhappy result, met in judgment and pronounced as follows: Whereas Uncle Sam had discovered that, during his physical derangement and lamentable sickness, many of his powers were misused, and immunities, never granted constitutionally, were employed by his employees to abuse and subvert the ends of his Government; and, whereas, his union of States was now in a manner disrupted, it became important and absolutely necessary to elect another presiding officer, more trustworthy and faithful in the discharge of incumbent duties, enforcement and execution of his laws. Hence numerous applications were made, and through the counseling of leading and influential contemporaries, conventionally, Stephen, John, John C., and “honest old Abe,” received the nominations, and went forth upon the campaign, canvassing for an election to this high, distinguished and responsible position. Strong recommendations were voted each, but as a greater number appeared, testifying to the sobriety, capacity, and integrity of “Honest Old Abe,” his claims were favorably and duly considered. Uncle Sam, however, had never seen him but once, and then casually, while the other candidates were familiar acquaintances, and knowing them well, was cognizant of their many faults. In view of these facts, especially after learning that very impressive, popular, and inviting handle to his name, through the tantalizing importunities of supposed friends, Uncle Sam concluded to select Honest Old Abe. Therefore, a dispatch was forwarded to Springfield, his place of abode, requiring him to repair immediately to the White House at Washington. According to order, “Honest Old Abe,” after having delivered himself of the ignorant and insignificant phrase, indicative of his unsound calibre, “No one is hurt,” at the time and place designated, arrived to assume the new duties assigned. The moment Uncle Sam beheld him, he was startled, aggravated, and horrified at his emanciated, imbecile, and aboliltionized countenance, and was heard to exclaim: “He is not the right man, in the right place, the handle to his name is a ruse, I am deceived, mortified, and ruined forever.” Thus as Uncle Sam’s mental and physical ability was already nearly destroyed by the “irrepressible conflict disease,” he could not withstand this sudden deception, and mortal shock, so falling prostrate, died. Let his memory be revered as a monument to self-government, and the star-spangled banner remodeled to comport with the exigencies of the times, as a shibboleth of his glory to enshrine in the hearts of all. It may be interesting to state that there was found among the archives of Uncle Sam’s office, his last will and testament, bequeathing all of his earthly effects, both personal and real or mixed, to be equally divided between his two surviving heirs–the Northern and Southern Confederation. The will is now being probated and the executors will administer in due time. No apprehensions, therefore, need be had in regard to continued difficulties arising between the legatees, as the property involved must be distributed according to the law of the will. So be it. Louis Gaznog.